"harder, better, faster, stronger"

This post is a bit personal, but I figure it’s okay for me to post it since I only have four followers (not that each and every one of you aren’t important).

I think I’ve always known that happier doesn’t always mean better. When I began college, I was in a long-distance relationship with relatively zero commitment besides monogamy, so I spent my freshman year forging lots of platonic friendships and learning to do things on my own. During this year, I spent every other day reflecting on who I was as a person and trying to improve myself (ad nauseam). I don’t think I’ve ever known a person as contemplative as I was when I was 18. So when I started dating someone new after my freshman year and found myself in a constant state of pure bliss, I knew that I wasn’t becoming a better person; I was content and consequently, stagnant as a person. But I was happy, for a very long time. However, even during those subsequent years of intoxicating happiness, I would break for a moment every so often and realize that I’m settling; not settling on the person I loved, but settling on the person I was. I became a part of another person before I ever had a chance to figure out who I was. And so after these groundbreaking moments, I would decide that from there on out, I would be an individual primarily, and then be in a relationship secondly. But my self-control and resolve have never been laudable, and I would always sink back into the precarious arms of relationship bliss.

That isn’t to say that I never grew from the relationship. I think the best part about the first year was that we matured a lot together. I learned to communicate, to resolve issues, and to sacrifice more during this year than any year prior. It’s just that after that year, I became complacent with who I was because I was happy – and why would I need to change if I was happy? But all things must come to an end – both good and bad – and so, when the relationship ended, I was devastated but I knew that I needed to grow up if I ever wanted that relationship, or any other, to work in the future.

This past year has been the most unique and difficult yet oddly beneficial year of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever been so miserable before, but this kind of misery is what makes people grow up and become better people. The most prominent people in history are the ones who have endured relentless hardships yet still emerged at the top. Not to say that my pain or difficulties are at that same level, but have any of you ever lived in Springfield, IL? Not even Blagojevich wanted to live here, and he was the governor.

In my next post, I will address what I believe it means to be a better person and the attributes that that kind of epithet entails.