Sometimes I think that when I leave this world, I’d like to leave knowing that I was as good of a person as I could be - and that being a good person would be enough.
But other times, I know it wouldn’t be.
I want to be brilliant and I want to do things and I want to achieve something great beyond the immediate scope of my life. I used to think that my ultimate goal in life was to be happy, and I thought maybe that kind of happiness wasn’t as selfish as it seemed because the things that made me happy - e.g., the happiness of the people I love - validated it or justified it in a way. But I’m realizing now that these were selfish thoughts, rationalized by a logical yet profoundly self-absorbed person.
I don’t need to become a great philanthropist or humanitarian, but I feel compelled to do something that extends beyond the comfort of my current existence. My perpetual existential crises are becoming inconvenient, but I know that they’re recurring and coming back with vengeance because while I don’t really know what the hell I’m doing or where I need to be, a part of me is really fucking scared that this may not be it. The most frustrating thing in the world is not knowing what you want or where you want to go, but knowing - or fearing - that what you have, who you are, what you’re doing right now - they aren’t right.
And in my possibly futile pursuit of greatness, I’m realizing that not everyone is destined to be great, and not everyone is naturally gifted at most things, if anything at all. But how do you reconcile a lack of inherent talent with the desire to be more than what you are?
I used to think that hard work and ambition and perseverance were enough, and I’m willing to give myself wholly and unconditionally to something that I love and something that I believe, but commitment and passion aren’t the same as natural ability, and people are limited by their circumstances. Which is worse - natural ability that goes uncultivated or hard work that never amounts to anything?
I have so many questions but no one to answer them.
