on loving and leaving

D: And you left him, just like that?
A: That's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
D: Supposing you do still love them?
A: You don't leave.
D: You've never left somebody you still love?
A: No.

on simple pleasures, part iii

Today, I especially needed to remind myself that there is life beyond the present and that certain simple pleasures remain.

-a friendly gesture to cheer you up
-a happy song
-catching the train at the last possible moment
-the knowledge that once you get home, you can sleep
-the luxury of not setting an alarm
-a crisp apple
-a good pun

I cannot think of any more presently.

on work

I am a selfish person; I know this. But I am not so callous that I would pursue a career only for money. I don't want to be that kind of person, and I don't think I am. It seems rare for someone to pursue a career, especially a career designed to help people, with the sole interest of financial gain. However, I would be lying if I said I didn't want to make money.

I have a lot of respect for my father and my older sister. They spent many years working towards advanced degrees and I witnessed firsthand the literal and figurative blood, sweat, and tears that that can entail. But now they have jobs and are making money. They are good at what they do, and perhaps even more importantly, they love what they do. I was fortunate enough to grow up with people who showed me that passion and perseverance can lead to a happy and prosperous life. I think people are often under the misconception that doing something that makes money and doing something you love are two mutually exclusive things. But I have seen that they can overlap.

And so, I don't want to continue through law school unless I know that 1) I am capable of doing well; and 2) I want to help people. All my life, I've been surrounded by people like me: comfortable, lazy, and unmotivated. But now I'm surrounded daily by people who are motivated by their deep-rooted passions and a palpable desire to help people. And I am realizing more and more my blatant self-interest and indolence that contradict precisely what a career in law represents. If I am not willing to help others, what is the point?

on life goals

Before I die, I would like to:

(1) run a marathon;
(2) bake a loaf of bread from scratch;
(3) learn how to snap my fingers;
(4) repay my parents;
(5) own the equivalent of a Taylor 600 series;
(6) delete Facebook permanently;
(7) travel to a foreign country with the person I love;
(8) read the Bible without skepticism;
(9) embrace solitude; and
(10) feel the warmth of a Snuggie.

The rest of the list to be continued.

on being

Sam: How do you become something you're not?
George: What do you want to become?
Sam: What I'm not.
George: What are you now?
Sam: I'm nothing.

Every time I have the urge to write, the impetus is fueled by an overwhelming desire to become something I'm not. I don't always know what I want to be, but I know it's something different. Still, sometimes I look at other people and see what I like and wish I could pick and choose the qualities I'd like bestowed upon me.

For now, I would settle with an eidetic memory.

on simple pleasures, part ii

This has been one of those weeks during which I have had to constantly remind myself of simple pleasures; and that good things CAN still happen on bad days:

-the warmth of a down comforter on a cold morning
-the realization that you have an extra hour to sleep
-the relief of finding a seat on the bus after a long day (Rosa Parks style)
-the taste of really good, strong, smooth coffee
-the getting-to-know-you phase in a friendship
-the idea of home and always having a place to return
-the smell of a new book's paper and an old book's history
-the triumph you feel after completing a particularly difficult homework assignment

on purpose

I was watching runners from the Chicago marathon walk home/to the el today after the race. They looked very happy and accomplished. I don't usually like seeing people feeling too pleased with themselves because it's more often than not because of something trivial in the larger scope of life (e.g., washing the dishes or answering a question in class correctly) and I don't think it warrants such a smug feeling or expression. Then again, I don't want to belittle these small accomplishments because they are in themselves accomplishments, but I'm looking for something more.

While I can't see myself ever running a marathon, I can see the appeal. There is much to say about an 8 or 10k, but many people often run 5-10mi during an average workout (obviously not me). However, a half marathon -- and especially a marathon -- isn't something to be taken lightly. I admire people who run long distances like that because they're doing it with purpose, drive, and commitment. I'm impressed with people who perform every action in their life with purpose. In writing, it's easy to spot purpose: every comma, conjunction, subtle allusion or metaphor. When purpose is laid out on a piece of paper in tangible form like that, everyone can see it and admire it. When the microcosm becomes a macrocosm, however, is when it becomes the most impressive. When a principle in writing can percolate into real life, I have to take a moment or two and truly admire it.

And so, when I saw the runners looking so happy and accomplished, I felt a strange combination of remorse, disappointment, and longing because I started asking myself what I have done with my life. So many of my decisions are without purpose and so many actions lack drive; I don't want to be unhappy and unaccomplished. But I think seeing people who can commit and perform gives me the inspiration and motivation to work towards becoming happier and more accomplished. So, instead of staring at my computer looking for pretty songs to put on my playlist, I will start reading.