on walking away

Sometimes too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

I write and I write and this is just for myself and this is just to say I'm okay but okay is not the optimal, but you're all settling for okay, so what the hell if I'm supposed to be here then I'm here and I'll do okay for a while because I need a break from doing something more than okay and I also need to make things better in the future to have everything work out for everyone and to have a sudden utopia that exudes random joys and blatant optimism and have everyone laughing and playing on slides and swings and swimming across rivers and rolling down hills. I'm here right now and I'm here for a while so I'm going to just accept one part and never accept the other, but I'll keep that to myself so I can surprise everyone when everything becomes the way it's supposed to be.

on love

"My husband hadn't always been lost for words . . . On our honeymoon we talked and talked. We stayed in a beachfront villa, and we drank rum and lemonade and talked so much that I never even noticed what color the sea was. Whenever I need to stop and remind myself how much I once loved Andrew, I only need to think about this. That the ocean covers seven tenths of the earth's surface, and yet my husband could make me not notice it. That is how big he was for me."

on the future

S: What'll you be when you grow up?
J: A tyrant!
S: A tyrant? Your people subjugated?
J: Totally! With a harem, slaves, and torture every Thursday!
S: Cool!
J: And you?
S: Well, I... No, it's too dumb.
J: Tell me!
S: You won't like it.
J: I told you! Tell me!
S: I'd like to be a cream puff. A cream puff with apricots, or even a plain one. Lukewarm at the bakery. In the window.
J: A cream puff? As in cake?
S: Of course! What else! A cream puff is a cream puff!
J: A cream puff... Yeah, of course, a cream puff! That's brilliant!

on loving and leaving

D: And you left him, just like that?
A: That's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
D: Supposing you do still love them?
A: You don't leave.
D: You've never left somebody you still love?
A: No.

on simple pleasures, part iii

Today, I especially needed to remind myself that there is life beyond the present and that certain simple pleasures remain.

-a friendly gesture to cheer you up
-a happy song
-catching the train at the last possible moment
-the knowledge that once you get home, you can sleep
-the luxury of not setting an alarm
-a crisp apple
-a good pun

I cannot think of any more presently.

on work

I am a selfish person; I know this. But I am not so callous that I would pursue a career only for money. I don't want to be that kind of person, and I don't think I am. It seems rare for someone to pursue a career, especially a career designed to help people, with the sole interest of financial gain. However, I would be lying if I said I didn't want to make money.

I have a lot of respect for my father and my older sister. They spent many years working towards advanced degrees and I witnessed firsthand the literal and figurative blood, sweat, and tears that that can entail. But now they have jobs and are making money. They are good at what they do, and perhaps even more importantly, they love what they do. I was fortunate enough to grow up with people who showed me that passion and perseverance can lead to a happy and prosperous life. I think people are often under the misconception that doing something that makes money and doing something you love are two mutually exclusive things. But I have seen that they can overlap.

And so, I don't want to continue through law school unless I know that 1) I am capable of doing well; and 2) I want to help people. All my life, I've been surrounded by people like me: comfortable, lazy, and unmotivated. But now I'm surrounded daily by people who are motivated by their deep-rooted passions and a palpable desire to help people. And I am realizing more and more my blatant self-interest and indolence that contradict precisely what a career in law represents. If I am not willing to help others, what is the point?